Dissidified
by Shirokurou
Summary: Gods don't really ask heroes or villians about what they think about participating. Do they even want to fight? What do they do when they're not fighting. Who's FF was cooler? And who is the ultimate badass alive?
1. Cosmic Arrival

Hey. Trying something new out. Inspired by Dark Cyradis' Tales of Dissidia. Oh and I only played IV, VII, VIII, IX, X and XII, so don't blame me for concentrating on some characters more than others…

_Italics_ are for thoughts.

-Dissidified-

00

You'd think two opposite deities forever fighting, would be, well _forever_? Think again. Suddenly out of the blue of endless fighting there comes Chaos' grand idea to summon 10 (technically 11) villains to finally beat Cosmos. And she summons 10 (duh, well 11) heroes to add some Harmony to it.

While gathering heroes Cosmos didn't really ask their opinion, well with a few exceptions.

VIII

_What the… Somehow everything around me just disappeared and I don't feel like I'm in Balamb anymore… WHATEVER!_

Squall cursed everything he could think of as he was dragged into Dissidia… Not that he actually cared?

"I don't?" – Squall wondered.

And he didn't. This world liked to see him cold and sociophobic just as he was before anything happened to him.

_I thought I sort of changed my attitude towards stuff…I also had this girlfriend and… lots of stuff junctioned to me and… Ah, whatever. Let's see where this light leads me to._

I

_There's a light shining in front of me. And I sense crystals are involved. I must follow it._

But first the Warrior of Light got this tremendous makeover taking him from Fighter McWarrior to way past the bishounen line.

III

_I'm the Onion Kid… No wait – I'm Luneth!_

But looking at his hair he realized he was not…

_Oh, no wait. I'm the Onion Knight…_

"Hey! I was happier having a name! And I was more handsome! Now I'm just cute…"

"Fine you can keep being Luneth." – sounded Cosmos soft voice.

"Hooray!"

"But only as a 'Other Form'." – said Cosmos once more.

"Hoo… What?"

"It's an alternate costume…" – sighed the Goddess.

"I'm so not happy" – he sat down on the floor, displeased.

"Oh come on now, Onion Knight… I'll throw in a little treat for you if you agree…"

"Really? What's that?" – asked the kid.

"You'll get the best Seiyu of 2007 – Jun Fukuyama…"

II

_Why do I always end up a little unknown? I mean I was the second to first. I was the first real character, as in with a name and story of sorts. Not just running around with a 'Warrior of Light' nametag. I was the first rebel, and how many times have the remade their protagonists into rebels… And all I get in the end is a PSP remake for the 20th anniversary…_

"You could've at least invited me to a Kingdom Hearts spin-off or something" – complained the ever rebellious Firion.

Just as he said those words near him opened a door of light.

"Hell yeah!" – he jumped in without a second thought.

IV

_I was a Dark Knight a long time ago… A really long time ago. _

_Now I'm a Paladin. _

_My attack don't sap into my soul. _

_I'm not bound to a dark shell of armor. Which breaks fear into peoples hearts._

_I can finally be with the woman I love._

_I can dish out way more damage than I did._

_I'm a Paladin…_

_SO WHY THE HELL DO I HAVE THIS BLACK ARMOR AGAIN? _

_Which evil being did this to me?_

V

"I hope I won't have to say this again. I'm Bartz." – said the young man to the light.

"But I'm looking for the hero Butz." – said Cosmos

"Hey listen… If you had a name like Butz and you were from Lix. Wouldn't people make fun of you? I mean like you even know what it sounds like?"

"Whatever… You get to be a dual-wielding badass where I'm gonna take you. You going or not?" – said Cosmos. She really had a short temper after bargaining with Onion Knight.

"Dual-wielding?" – Bartz didn't sound convinced, - "Just that? I'll go if you drop more goodies to that list."

"Such as?" – Cosmos knew where this was going to…

"Using Spellblade with Rapid Fire **and** Dual Wield" – said the boy.

"Very well" – said Cosmos, thinking to herself 'I'll put that all in one attack for short."

X

"Hey, Jecht!"

"I said call me dad!"

"Sure Jecht, but where are we going?" – said Tidus

"I dunno. Somewhere. And call me dad!" – said the King o'Blitz

"OK-OK, Jecht. So why are we going there?" – said Tidus crossing his hands behind his head.

"Sure beats hanging out in da Farplane…" – said Jecht while walking.

"I'm glad we're actually going together once in a while. I mean like some… Hey, you're not going drinking are you?"

"Nope. I'm going to… ah you know… Ah what the hell I'm going to drink! It's my right after all!" – said Jecht while laughing.

"Ah man, dad…"

_So now he calls me 'dad'!_

"And you know what! It's about time you started drinking too!"

"What?" – Tidus stopped in his tracks

"Ah come on! All the tough guys drink! Take me for example!" – said Jecht in his usual boastful tone.

"I'd rather not…" – Tidus tried saying that in a way where it would hurt Jecht's feeling the least.

But Jecht was still pissed, but showing off his newly found father-figure qualities he decided to not show it.

"Well then take Auron! He carried around a jug of the stuff and even used it in battle! How's that for tough!"

"OK. I'll try a bit… Wait up, what's that?"

IV

_Hey, I'm back to being the Paladin! Whoa! Cecil Harvey is back!_

IX

Zidane was sleeping in his king-bed. Life was good on the guy. Especially since he could recall his thief days. Now he had money, had the princess and he wasn't shy to enjoy those things to the fullest. So looking down upon him, Cosmos decided not to wake him up and send him with his bed.

VII

Big Sword, Spiky hair. Yeah it was Cloud Strife. The ever-ready hero.

"So what *yawn* is it this time? Spin-off, CGI or maybe a full remake?" – the hero was bored.

"A group of heroes needs your help" – said Cosmos

"Hope it's not some dumb fanfic…"

"I'm sure you'll adapt quickly" – replied the Goddess

"Yeah, yeah. But haven't I had enough? I've waved this Big Sword so many times, fought Sephiroth so many times, and stuff like that…"

"I guess I should erase your memories to make it more interesting for you…" – smirked Cosmos.

IV

_So I'm the Dark Knight… again! WTF!_

X

"Looks like a fork in the road…" – Jecht looked in both directions while flexing his neck.

"Yeah. And there's some kind of sign here…"

"Let dad handle this… Let's see 'If you're a blonde guy with a sense of virtue and a passionate wish to save the world and restoring balance and blah-blah-blah… go right.' Well this is definitely your department, son." – said Jecht holding back a laugh.

"Yeah, cause it says blonde right?" – said Tidus. Dying his brown hair has a 'I hate you Jecht' thing from childhood.

"No, cause only a cry-baby would have all those hippie shenanigans…" – laughed Jecht.

"Well I remember you sacrificing yourself to save the world, huh?" – said Tidus with a smug on his face.

"I was drunk when I decided to that, you know." – said Jecht.

"Oh yeah? Well the sign to the left is…" – Tidus leaned over his father's shoulder to see it, - "It says 'Turn left for the ultimate badass hang-out, drinks, chicks with minimum clothing and maximum cleavage'…"

"Well I guess I know where I'm going…" – said the older man…

IV

_Dark Knight! Paladin! Dark Knight! Paladin! It ain't that bad switching these around… Imagine all the stuff I could pull with this…_

_Cecil Harvey is cooler than ever!_

VI

Terra Branford had a nice bed, pure cotton pillow, silk sheets. Cosmos for a second considered to get some for her not-so-standing-out throne too. But she decided that if she didn't wake up Zidane she wouldn't wake Terra up either.

Terra felt a shook of the bed, and lazily opened one eye. Something wasn't right. She sat up in her bed and then it hit her.

Her bed wasn't in her room anymore but in the middle of some opened ground, she was surrounded by funnily dressed **men **of all sorts. But that's nothing compared to the fact that in her bed was lying a naked tailed individual drooling on her pillow.

And to top it off, Terra had a great bed, pillows and sheets, but she preferred to sleep naked herself.

VIII

_OK! So what's this? Oh finally a clearing._

Squall stepped out of his portal into the open ground. And he saw a medieval knight with an overly-exaggerated horned helmet; a bandanna-wearing guy with enough weapons for a whole army; a kid in ridiculous red armor (must be from a carnival); a dark figure suddenly turning into a silver-haired bishounen and back into the dark figure and then again to the white version (weird); some plain unarmed guy; a guy dressed modernly (a sweater compared to those knights is unprotected superiority) with a oversized sword and equally lethal haircut; a guy with a sword made of water? And a bed with a girl (cute one at that) and a guy with a tail…

_These guys are too bizarre even for a nightmare. What is this… Oh no… There's only one explanation for such cast._

"Time Compression DID happen!" - Squall's scream got him everyone's attention.

- - -

Chapter two will have Chaos gathering the baddies.

Authors love reviews!


	2. Chaotic Arrival

00

Chaos liked to show off his four-arms, horns and otherwise demonic appearance, so he went to his warriors personally. He was gonna regret it?

I

"I, Garland, will knock you down!" – the fallen knight raised his humongous (bigger than Cloud's) sword

"It's me. Chaos." – said the God.

"Didn't I turn into Chaos?"

"I'm a little different type of Chaos. You will go with me and help conquer the universe."

"So that I will create a time loop!" – said Garland cueing his evil laugh…

"…" – Chaos blinked in confusion, - "Time loop? What for?"

"Ask me that when we meet in this place 5 minutes before…"

X

It's Jecht!

"Hey, what are you expecting me to do? I all ready got here in the previous chapter. Go look at some bishounen. I'm not doing anything until I get a drink and the chicks arrive!"

II

Mateus Palamecia (aka THE EMPEROR!) was sitting on his throne. He just finished his usual routine as ruler and was thinking of turning to his many hobbies, like good music, poisoning wells, shopping, foreign conquest, gardening, summoning demons and other things.

Suddenly Chaos' portal of darkness started appearing in the middle of his throne room.

"Oh wait. I wasn't planning on summoning any demons right now." – said the Emperor closing the portal.

V

Chaos appeared to get info and maybe burn a village or few.

"I am Chaos! I am looking for the evil Exdeath to summon him into my army to conquer the universe!"

"Oh, you mean the tree?"

"…" – Chaos scratched his head, - "Sorry, looks like I mistook worlds. I'm looking for the Warlock…"

VI

Chaos was told to schedule an appointment and avoid Light of Judgment as we waits. Kefka was playing with his dolls as usual.

"How does this Kefka look like?"

He was shown a picture…

_First a tree and now a clown? I really know how to pick em'…_

X

It's JECHT!

"OK I got my drinks, but I still don't see the chicks! Why are you even focusing on me when I'm already here since chapter 1? Oh just give em what they want…"

VII

"And who the hell might you be, arrogant fool?" – said Sephiroth not even turning around to greet the god. That's just how badass he was.

"I am Chaos!"

"Vincent Valentine's Limit break no.4? You just don't get who you're messing with!"

"No I am THE Chaos! God of Discord! I want you for my army of destruction!"

"Well, I'm a god myself! Tell you what, I'll go…" – he pointed his legendary Masamune at Chaos, - "but only if you beat me…"

"You want to fight?" – asked the god.

"Yes. Cue the choir …"

_Noli manere, manere in memoria!_

_Noli manere, manere in memoria!_

_Sephiroth, Sephiroth!_

VIII

Ultimecia castle. The time is somewhere around 69:VIII um. The Sorceress is having tea and listening to Liberi Fatali…

Portal of Darkness appears outside the Castle…

"Now this is definitely an overlord's castle…" – Chaos overlooks the bizarre, yet beautiful architecture, - "Now to find the Sorceress…"

Chaos began walking to the sound of music, but he got lost in the Castle's endless turns and décor…

IX

"I agree to thy generous offer!" – said Kuja.

_That was quick. –_ thought Chaos, but he had to ask, - "Why do you agree so quickly?"

"You are talking to **me,** instead of that insane buffoon Necron… However I have one, no, two conditions…" – said Kuja while gracefully waving his hand.

"Sorry, Jun Fukuyama is already Onion Knight's voice…"

"Damn!" – said Kuja, being really pissed the he can't sound like the proper magnificent bastard.

"What's the second condition?" – asked Chaos.

"I keep my wardrobe the way it is!"

II

The Emperor was viewing his collection of scepters. He had them for all occasions, Hell Emperor, Light Emperor, he had them all…

The portal of darkness opened once again…

"Oh, blast, my powers must be becoming a little dull. I did not wish to summon demons form hell right now…" – the emperor closed the portal, - "Now to the water poisoning…"

VIII

Chaos decided to give the castle another shot. This time he actually found the right direction to go and even caught a glimpse of the Sorceress' hot figure. But before he could say anything, something bit his second left hand.

"Thousand bloody devils!" – cursed Chaos

But Griever didn't answer him. Guard lions don't talk. They bite.

V

Exdeath was walking around, looking for whoever mentioned his name. But the description of 'a devilish guy with 4 arms' made it easy to pinpoint Chaos

"I heard there was someone looking for Exdeath the Warlock?"

"Oh bug off, human, I'm looking for a tree…"

VI

"What's that?"

Kefka looked into the corner of his room, one of his favorite toys (his Joker doll) was nearly falling into a crack. Kefka started waltzing to that side of his room while falling into Chaos' portal.

I don't even want to hear this guy's conditions…

IV

"So why should I join you?" – said the new captain of the red wings Golbez.

"For starters, you'll have a chance at settling old scores with your respective hero." – said the bored Chaos.

"Well, I was close to learning my lesson. And I think I had this terrific redemption near the end…. And Cecil is my brother."

"Sure… But you die at the end."

"It's ambiguous. Maybe I make it." – countered Golbez

"There's some sort of a sequel in which you die again… Now let's go, cause I have other stuff to do…" – the God was tired. He didn't think that villains would be so difficult.

"I'll think about it…" – said Golbez thinking…

"Choose. The Darkness and your awesome black armor or the Light and a kilt."

"OK, but I'll get some unique fighting style…"

"Done… Now let's go…"

II

The emperor was tending to the flowers in his garden. He did have lots and lots of hobbies.

Suddenly, the door opened and Chaos walked in on his own two feet…

"How do I do it?" – Mateus' sighed, - "Listen demon, I didn't summon you, so I'll just open this portal and would you please…"

"I summoned myself! I am Chaos and quit opening those portals here and there. I'm here to recruit you into my alliance of world's greatest…"

"Emperors are not recruited. They…just rule." – said Palamecia, - "Now, if you don't mind…" – he pointed in the direction of the portal with his staff.

"Maybe there's something you want, but even you don't have? I can give you that…" – said Chaos with his make-a-deal-with-the-devil tone.

"Hm… How about Jun Fukuyama as my seiyu. I so like how he does the 'evil emperor'…" – said Mateus

"Well…" – Chaos walked closer to him, - "No… Some other guy took it. But I'll give you the chance to kill him and take it from him…"

"Well… I so hate to fight personally…"

Chaos grabbed him with all his four arms and jumped into the portal…

III

Chaos barely found his dark portal in the surrounding darkness. He was looking for the Cloud of Darkness

"I am Chaos…"

"I am the Cloud of Darkness…"

"I am the God of Discord and I wish to bring discord to the universe!"

"Since I have awoken, I've simply been longing for despair!"

"I wish to defeat the Goddess of Harmony Cosmos and control everything."

"And I wish to reduce** everything** to **nothing**…"

VII

_Saevam iram, iram et dolorem _

_Saevam iram, iram et dolorem _

_Sephiroth, Sephiroth_

"Do you wish to fight Cloud once more, instead of fighting me?" – said Chaos jumping off a sliced in half mountain.

"I do that all the time. I'll do that even without your help…" – said Sephy while getting ready to wreak more havoc…

"Maybe I should get Gack…Genesis instead of you…" – said Chaos flying up into the sky…

"What did you say." – now Sephy was mad…

V

"Hey, Chaos! I am Exdeath! I'm ready to go now…" – said the blue fella.

"Finally. Should've known the peasant was lying. You are human!"

"Well actually, I'm a tree…" – said Exdeath.

"…"

VIII

Griever was thrown a large slab of meat and let Chaos walk through to his master. Ultimecia was laying down on a luxurious couch, reading an accessory catalogue.

"Sorceress Ultimecia?" – said Chaos.

"Who else? And you are?" – said the time witch without lifting her head…

"Chaos, God of Discord."

"OK, _Chaos_…" – she lift her head looking at him, glowing with pride, - "So aren't you impressed?"

"Nice Castle though I did get lost…" – said Chaos.

"No, not the castle…" – said Ulty a bit irritated.

"Oh, yes, impressive ultimate GF… I wish I had one…"

"No, not him. Didn't you notice something new about me?" – said the woman raising a brow.

"… *sigh* you're dress is ultimately hot and sexy… No I'm here to…" – _villains always want something…_

"Thanks. I hear that all the time, but it's something above that. How can you not notice that I said Chaos instead of Khaos? I stopped overusing 'K'" – declared Ultimecia and began to laugh…

"Sure. I want you to join my forces of Chaos…" – said the god.

"Sure. Everyone wants a sorceress in their squad. I'm sure you know the usual deal?"

"Huh? What is that?" – wondered the God.

"Designer costume for my entrée, opening speech at the ceremony and a parade in my honor…"

"You'll get an alternative costume to boot… Now you in or not?" – he was so tired that he agreed to anything he heard.

"Oh I suppose I could go…"

"But first, I want us to do a detour…"

I

"I, Garland, will knock you down!"

"I heard that already! But now I'm here 5 minutes before I came to you last time…." – laughed Chaos.

"Time Loop…" – Garland winked at Chaos, proud of himself…

"Can we go now already…" – said Ultimecia, - "I know I'm a Sorceress of Time and all, but this 8-bit environment is so clashing with my dress…"

VII

_Ferum terribile, terribile fatum _

_Noli manere, manare in memoria _

_Noli manere, manare in memoria _

_Sephiroth, Sephiroth_

"Let's go Sephiroth… I already have almost everyone else except you…" – Chaos was flying away from the swordsman.

"I agree, I agree… Now swing that sword of yours like your life depends on it…"

"I don't have a sword and if you agree, than why are we still here?"

"I'm waiting for the theme-song to end…"

"Thousand bloody devils!" – cursed Chaos.

III

"I look like the Devil! Humanity's traditional view on all evil!"

"I am a naked woman with a body to kill for. The very beginning of sin!"

"I have 4 arms to manifest my overarching grasp over the world!"

"I have two serpent mouths to show my poisonous nature!"

"OK! I admit that you are the most sinister being to ever exist in any universe! Do you want to go now?"

"Sure." – said the woman.

"What? You don't even have any requests?" – there was no limit to Chaos' surprise

"Not really." – said the Cloud.

"You don't have some condition, without which you won't join me?"

"Nope."

"None at all…"

"Well if you insist… Can I have a different skin color. Green really isn't my fav…"

_Me and my big mouth_

VII

_Mi fili, veni, veni, veni, mi fili _

_Qui mortem invitavis_

_Mi fili, veni, veni, veni, mi fili _

_Poena funesta natus_

_Mi fili, veni, veni, veni, mi fili _

_Noli nomen vocare_

_Mi fili, veni, veni, veni, mi fili _

_Ille iterum veniet_

_Sephiroth, Sephiroth_

"There it ended! Now stop trying to hit me…" – Chaos stopped and started opening the portal.

Sephiroth closed in and chopped off one of Chaos' 4 arms.

"What the hell was that for?! You said you'd stop when the music ends!" – screamed Chaos taking a defensive position.

"Actually there's more to it…" – said the silver-haired swordsman, raising his finger.

_Sephiroth_

"Great. Now we can get going…" – said Sephy moving his sword away from Chaos, - "Or maybe you wanna hear the remix or "Those Chosen by the Planet"?"

"I'm sticking to "Cosmo Canyon" from now on…" – said the God.

- - -

Whoo. So ends chapter 2. Chapter 3 will be the heroes' lounging bar…

And remember, authors love reviews…


	3. Cosmic Confusion

Yo, sorry for not updating for so long (relatively long for this kind of fic), but I have two excuses: 1) I had exams; 2) I actually played Dissidia… (for which I had to change my PSP's firmware from 3.40 OE-A to 5.00 M33-3, which was a pain in the ass)… but it was worth it… I'll just say that Squall and Cloud of Darkness kick major ass…

And I think now I know a little better what to write in a Dissidia fic, well not really...

Sorry for this one being shorter than the previous one.

- - -

00

So it continues. After gathering the heroes, Cosmos decided to take a break and let the heroes… mingle… share their stories and ideals. Become nakama, comrades and ext… They were in the middle of the Cosmos Throne, a white desert. And there's a bed in the middle.

I, II, III, IV, V, VII, VIII, X

". . ." - everyone (except Squall, who was still in shock) stood silent and surprisingly looked at VI and IX…

IX

'Ah, what a morning' - thought Zidane as he stretched in his bed and let out a satisfied yawn.

His keen nose felt a delicate aroma somewhere near. Lazily he opened one of his eyes.

'Wow! It gets better' – he made his victory pose in his mind.

"So, like, by the way… My name's Zidane."

VI

"…"

Terra grabbed into the sheets as if they would save her, and mumbled to herself something like 'this isn't happening'.

But the sheets were silk and they did a good job form-fitting her body.

I

_Never saw stuff like that back in Cornelia._

IV

_Dilemma: Should I stay as a Dark Knight and keep watching to see if anything interesting happens or should I turn into the Paladin and save the maiden from the tailed who-knows-what…_

VIII

"Or maybe… it didn't…" – Squall's voice slowed down and he joined the rest with silently watching at the 'bed-scene'

III & II

"Um, what's so interesting about this again?" – asked the boy

"Someone how hasn't reached puberty wouldn't understand…" – answered Firion without turning to the small hero.

"If I reached puberty it would've been hard fighting Cloud of Darkness' naked female form."

"I suppose you didn't intend that as a pun…"

X

_Dad, you'll never guess what I'm seeing today…_

VIII

"_What the... That guy's got a tail"_

VI

_Oh no this__** is**__ happening! WhatdoIdo? WhatdoIdo?_

IV

_I'm a Paladin for god's sake, I have to save her. Besides maybe there's some reward from her for this…_

Cecil made his decision and switched to Paladin mode in a flash of light… And stepped forward as the knight he was.

"Don't worry lady, I shall save you from this…"

VI

_Ahhh…_ ESPER MODE

IV

"…beast." – Cecil froze in surprise along with the rest of the men.

I, II, III, IV, V, VII, X.

"What the hell?!"

VIII

"Whatever!"

_At least the girl is saved now. I just have this little thing _

VI

Terra was now standing on the bed regaining her breath. In her Esper form there wasn't much she could've exposed.

_Thank god…_

IX

"What's the big deal? I can do that too!" - Zidane stood up on the bed and began to glow.

TRANCE MODE

I, II, III, V, VII, X.

"Again?!"

IV

_Maybe it was intended to go like that? Maybe they know each other? Maybe going to save her was a bad idea… Oh well…_

DARK KNIGHT MODE.

VIII

"Is this changing day or something?! Quit it already!" – Squall was getting a bit irritated, - "Maybe this** IS** Time Compression…"

_Or maybe I just have this weird feeling of wanting to go save a damsel in distress. Almost like I'm used to carrying around a comatose girlfriend. Wait, where did that come from?_

VI

_He changed too! What to do now? I'm still in Esper form so I should be OK, right? Maybe he's in Esper form too. And he seems… focused on me. I should change back before he goes acting like an animal… But then, they'll see me… Uh… whattodo?_

IX

Zidane was thinking on his next move. But all that came to his still sleepy mind were dumb lines like 'we're nothing but animals' or stuff you shouldn't even hear. So he decided to go plain and simple with a line from "I'll be Your Canary"

"Hey like don't worry. No cloud, no squall shall hinder us…"

VII

"What?" – Cloud who was silent through almost all this commotion joined in.

It's like the tailed guy was daring him to interfere. Cloud reached for him Buster sword, but he kept himself back…

VIII

But Squall didn't.

"Say what?!" – Squall's 'what' was way louder than Cloud's so he got everyone attention again.

That was sort of the last drop, he had to go and do something about it. He began menacingly walking to the bed. The words 'determined anger' would describe him best right now... And then he… started taking his coat off…

IX

Zidane felt a threat, a tingling in his tail, almost like the battle theme starting. He turned around Squall coming at him.

_What's his business?... What? Is he taking his coat off?_

VI

Terra didn't even want to think on the possibilities that would start with the tailed guy. And now there was another one, who was also undressing…

VII

_He's undressing too?I thought he was gonna fight, but he's just a pervert?! _

III

"Maybe I should undress too?" – said the onion Knight, - "But doing that would be troublesome with all this armor…

II

_This is a little too frivolous…_

VIII

Squall stepped onto the bed and threw his coat to Terra.

"Take my coat and stay back . I'll handle the tailed beast."

VI

Squall's leather-and-fur coat hit Terra a little too hard, but she still grabbed it. And started going out of Esper form.

"Um… Thanks…" – she said…

II

So that's what he was doing! I've gotta help too.

"And take my cape!" – he took off the most unequiptable item of clothing he had right now and threw it to Terra too.

IV

"Oh… and my..." _Damn I'm still in Dark Knight mode…_

I

"My cape is yours too!" – The Warrior of Light was always the knight.

V

"Mine is small, but take it!"

III

"My cape too! You can also have my armor, just wait a second while I take it off!"

X

_Why the hell do they all have capes anyway?_

"I can spare a blitzball!"

IV

"My cape too, fair lady!" – Cecil switched back in time!

VII

"I don't have a cape, but I'll help dispatch the tailed guy…

VI

Terra found herself bombarded with capes and cloaks (and a blitzball). And soon was not visible from the garment pile. But being not visible was better than naked and in Squall's coat which didn't even cover anything below the stomach area

IX

"I think you got the wrong idea, here… um… Who are you anyway?" – asked Zidane not even intent on fighting.

VIII

"We'll I'm Squall!"

IX

"Well that's hilarious, cause I just said 'nor cloud nor squall' and here I get a squall! What's next? Your sword's name is Cloud?" – giggled Zidane.

VII

"Actually, I'm Cloud…"

IX

Zidane burst into laughter once more.

"So I got myself a little thunderstorm. But this is getting a little too overboard even for my humor. Is this a dream?... Nah, in a dream I'd get the girl. OK, guys, what other randomness you'll throw at me? Someone's name is buckethead or butt…"

V

"IT'S BA**R**TZ! They only call me Batz back in Lix. But once I left I added and R to it, OK!" – said the capeless Bartz.

I, II, III, IV, VI, VII, VIII, IX, X

Everyone, even Terra picked out of her clothing bunker to look at the Bartz. They were pretty much stupefied and Onion Kinght pointed his finger at V and started laughing.

IX

"And he's from Lix! Oh…" – Zidane started laughing so hard that he couldn't even stand…

_Oh man! This must be a dream! What absurdity should I think of next? How about one of them occasionally dresses like a girl and some other reads a perverted magazine with name like "Smut"…_

Luckily for Zidane he thought of it but didn't have enough time to say it. So VII and IV didn't hear it.

00

A door opened in this empty white desert and light came from it… Everyone looked to the light and a voice came

"So are you just gonna sit there or you'll enter the lounge?"

- - -

Next chapter will be the heroes snack bar… And it'll be soon.

13


	4. Cosmic Confusion II

I read on a few sites that Cecil has a more womanizing side to him not seen in dialogue and there's also a magazine called "Smut" in the Developers' Room, (the description of the magazine reads "Cecil's favorite title"). So that's a debriefing for the previous chapter… Oh and sorry for the cliffhanger in this one…

- - -

00

Underneath the white desert there was… a lounge? There were soft couches, pool tables and a bar with a mysterious bartender.

The heroes were here, but Cosmos wasn't.

IX

Zidane was off the hook and went out of trance. That was easy, it was more difficult to stop laughing and regain some seriousness. And only now did he understand that he was summoned somewhere away from home…

VI

Everything settled down, Terra could finally breathe calmly. Her new attire consisted of Squall's fur-coat, which was rather short and left her stomach bare. So she improvised the rest with all those capes…

IV

Cecil took pride that it was **his** cape that she used for the make-shift skirt…

V

But Bartz was even prouder, cause she used his as an undergarment…

I

The Warrior of Light was actually happy to receive his cape back, cause he really liked all his new non-8-bit clothing. And now he went to explore the location he was currently in.

VIII

Squall wanted his coat back. Sure when he gave it away, he was all knightly, but geez, with all those capes she has on her hands, why does she still keep the coat? Squall wanted to go a beat up the tailed guy, but he was going around with a smart look on his face, and nobody else seemed to care. So Squall figured he'd look bad attacking him now.

VII

Since the whole Bed-issue ended, Cloud felt really bored. So he decided to go shoot some pool. Cloud was good at it, cause they had one back in the SOLDIER lounge, and Zack used to play it, and Cloud stole Zack's skills. He took a cue and sent the balls rolling.

III, VII, IX

After receiving his cape back, the Onion Knight decided to do the most reasonable thing, introduce himself and get everyone's names. But somehow 'everyone' was dissipating really quickly and soon he was left alone.

_So not working out…_

He decided to go talk to the only girl in the party, but a few other chivalrous knights already got there quicker, so he decided to talk to the man at the pool table

"So I heard your name's Cloud." – said the boy in an upbeat tone.

Cloud sighed, "Yes it is."

Zidane, who was walking by, stopped to drop a little laugh.

"And I'm the Onion Knight."

"Onion Knight?" – Cloud missed a ball, - "Is that your name or your title? " – Cloud was hoping that he and 'the Squall' weren't the only weird-named people here.

"Well, technically it's both… here. But I do have this other name at home…"

Zidane decided to pull another wacky guess. For all he figured it worked here.

"And it's probably 'Pumpkin Squire'. So you're Pumpkin Squire the Onion Knight, son of Pickle Paladin, the Cabbage Hero. Am I right?" – said Zidane as he took another cue and shot the ball Cloud missed, - "Your turn."

"NO it's not! My name was Luneth!" – the boy hopped in anger.

"Nice shot, you play before?" – said Cloud ignoring the Onion Knight, and pocketing a ball himself.

"Sure, I'm a playa…" – he smiled to his own thoughts…

"Are you ignoring me?!" – screamed the Onion Knight and left….

IV

The Paladin/Dark Knight decided that he should socialize and who better to socialize with, than the girl he 'almost' saved. He approached her, waving his silver locks.

II

_That silver haired guy is stealing the spotlight, he got his cape used and now he's approaching her again._

IV-VI

"I am Cecil Harvey" – he kissed her hand, - "From now on I'll protect you from the troubles you might face."

"Um… Thank you." – Terra thought that his mannerisms were a bit similar to Edgar, and as she wasn't swayed by him, she wasn't swayed by Cecil either.

"May I have the honor of hearing your name…" – said Cecil in his Paladin tone.

"Terra… Terra Branford."

"I'm glad my cape was of use to you. Don't hesitate to ask for items of clothing from me…"

"Well if you have any women's clothing it would…"

"Sorry but I didn't take it today." – _that was a downer._

II-IV-VI

Firion saw an opportunity. He stepped into the dialogue.

"So you don't have it today? Maybe you have it on other days? Are you an item shop or are you some kind of collector?"

"Collecting women's clothing is beneath me." – _the thoughts may have crossed my mind, but Rosa and Rydia didn't provide any good chances, - _"But maybe I'll open an item shop some other time, thank you. Who are you again?" – retorted Cecil.

"I am glad you ask, my name is Firion. I am a member of the Wild Rose Rebellion against the evil dictatorship of the Emperor. And miss Terra, I also shall shield you from the forthcoming troubles… And I actually have a shield with me, unlike some other people."

"You're a member of a resistance group?" – Terra asked, with a spark in her eyes.

"Why yes, I lead it." – answered Firion proudly

"Well I was also part of this group called the Returners and we were like a resistance group…"

Then they went on talking about it and Cecil realized he was left out.

VII-VIII-IX

"Let me join in…" – the coatless Squall seemed even more bored than Cloud.

"We'll have a thunderstorm here…" – said Zidane giving Squall a cue.

"Whatever" – said the SeeD, as he took a shot.

"I wonder if there's someone named Lightning out there?" – Zidane continued his wild-mass-guess spree – "Then you could mix altogether…"

"It'll probably be another weird-haired guy with an oversized sword…" – Cloud almost smiled at his thought.

"Or a Gunblade…" – added Squall.

"By the way, Squall, how does that thing shoot?" – asked Zidane looking at the weapon.

"It doesn't. The hammer hits a round that sends shockwaves through the blade, raising the destructive power…"

"So it vibrates." – summed up Cloud.

"Yeah, you can put it that way…" – said Squall

"So Cloud has an oversized sword and your's vibrates… Someone just might have a sense of humor up there…" – snickered Zidane.

Cloud and Squall gave him a glare that he decided to switch the topic.

"So like I was saying, this Lightning guy should have an oversized gunblade… But let's make it shootable…"

"There was this Yazoo guy, he had a shooting gunblade. But it was a sword as much as Squall's is a projectile weapon… So that's not new." – said Cloud.

"Well then maybe it'll be more balanced… And the hair will be less freaky and he'll enter this room any minute…"

"Why should he?" – Cloud lifted a brow at Zidane.

"Cause so far all I say comes true…"

"Then make it a girl…" – said Squall and leaned back to the wall.

"Hey, great thinking! It'll be a girl, then you guys might punch up a storm with her. What's a Cloud without Lightning, and a Lightning bolt without a Squall…" – said Zidane winking to the guys in a 'if-ya-know-what-I-mean' fashion.

"You have a really one-way mind, don't you?" – said Cloud.

"So do you. But I guess Squall is more like me." – Zidane turned to the coatless hero, - "It was your idea to make it a girl."

"Guess I just remembered my girlfriend…"

"Whoa… Since you bring up that topic. I got one myself. A real rebelling princess…" – bragged Zidane.

"Don't get started on rebellious princesses! My back hurts just thinking about her. Damn sorceress." – said Squall rubbing his back…

"Mine was the squishy wizard type too. She had summons in her." – said Zidane, - "And you Cloud?"

"You don't even want to discuss it. The fanbase will explode with flames…" – said Cloud, - "Just don't ask."

"Whoa, triangle much, eh? But was she a wizard?" – Zidane really wanted to know.

"Talking about it won't…" - Cloud wanted to change the topic, but thankfully someone else stepped in.

"Mine was a summoner too." – it was Tidus, - "Anyway, I'm going to the bar. Get you guys something?"

"That's nice of you… ah?"

"Tidus."

"Yeah, thanks, Tidus." – said Zidane.

"He was listening in this whole time?" – asked Squall.

"Guess yeah?" – added the Chocobo-hair, - "I guess I'll go with him to see the bar…" – and Cloud went to follow Tidus.

"Sure, oh and speaking of women... " – Zidane nodded to the left.

Squall turned to see the capeless Cecil with a long face coming their way…

X-VII-???

Tidus figured the best way to get into the hang-out was well, drinks. _Curse you for being right, Dad! _So he made his way to the bar.

"So, you're our barkeep?" – asked Tidus.

"I could be called that, I suppose." – said the mysterious bartender, - "And I presume you wish to drown your sorrow with some bitter drink?"

Cloud also made his way to the bar, but stayed silent.

"Nah, I don't go near the stuff…" – Tidus shivered at the thought of being like Jecht.

"Trying to be the upright good guy?" – said the bartender, - "People like that are never as interesting as the antihero. They are not likely to become the Leading Man."

"Hey. I know you! War of the Lions… You're that sky pirate…" – said Cloud

"Balthier be the name…" – he replied and turned to face his fellow FFT guest star.

"What are you doing here?"

"A certain Judge Magister applied to Chaos' side. So the only fitting thing was for the protagonist of his story to join the other side…" – said Balthier as he polished a glass and put in front of Cloud.

"But why you? I thought some other guy was the hero." – said Cloud as he watched Balthier

"Well, you were fooled. I'm the hero…" – said the sky pirate passing another glass to Tidus.

"So you're going to fight alongside us?" – asked Tidus.

"No. I'll just keep you checked and supply you with a intellectual conversation from time to time." – said the man as he poured them both a potion.

"Why's that?" – asked Cloud.

"Cause that's my gambit. Or rather I don't feel like it… Besides, Gabranth is a hidden character, just pretend you didn't see me either."

IV-IX-VIII

"So, what's gotten you down, oh Paladin?" – smirked Zidane.

"A kid like you wouldn't understand…" – said Cecil.

"Trouble with attracting the girl's attention?" – countered Zidane.

"That was a lucky guess." – said Cecil coldly.

"Ah, trust me, I'm more a ladies' man than I look… If you need advice…"

"If I need advice, I'll ask someone else. Like that handsome man with the scar. He seems more a ladies' man…" – said Cecil.

There was brief moment of silence, till Squall understood, that he was referring to him.

"Whatever. Ask the tailed guy…"

"OK, tailed boy… What possibly can you say?" – Cecil turned to Zidane.

"First tell me the situation…"

"Well, that Firion guy, the bandanna one. Is a rebel. She turned out to be a rebel too. Now they're going talking about who rebelled against what and ext…"

Zidane looked in Terra's direction and then back at Cecil and got a smile.

"So they've got something in common to talk about, huh? And you?" – Zidane started examining Terra with his eyes again.

"What me. I did oppose a kingdom, but I sorta did it by myself, never was an underground rebel member."

"No, you got something in common with her, you know it." – said Zidane

"I went to the moon…" – said Cecil

"I did that too." – said Squall.

"No!" – smiled Zidane, - "You're not always the white and plushy cape guy, you've also got that dark form, right? The one that changes your armor to something black and wholesome?"

"Yes… The Dark Knight. A hideous form that feeds on it's user's life" – said Cecil…

"And she has the animalistic form… Go to her. Change into that Dark Knight of yours and tell her how hard it is with this dualistic nature of your soul or something. That's sure to get her attention and maybe even compassion…"

"Hey, you're totally right. Thanks for the idea…" - Cecil immediately filled with optimism and went back into Terra's and Firion's direction.

"Ha-ha… This is gonna be something worth seeing, Squall."

"Why are you even helping him? Didn't you want to try and appeal to that girl yourself?" – said Squall.

"I know, I know. It's just this theory I have…" – smirked Zidane.

"And what is that?"

"When he changes to the Dark Knight, his equipment changes, right? Some parts appear and some disappear." – said Zidane.

"Yeah, like that helmet and stuff…" – added Squall, - "Wait…"

"Yeah! I'm thinking the skirt-cape is gonna disappear too…"

14


	5. Chaotic Confusion

Written on 13 and 15.07.09

Ok, I stalled for long enough. I guess I have to pull out another chapter. This is more difficult, than it initially seemed…

And I haven't given the baddies some screentime in a while… so.

And if you want me to update quicker – review it!

Chaotic Confusion: Armor, Capes and Floating…

00

Chaos decided he needed a break after gathering all these spoony villains and left them in the meeting hall.

The Chaos side had a meeting hall just like Cosmos' except it was all black. AND DARK!

IV

It would be funny if it were a different color. Evil always goes with dark colors.

"If only it were easier to find my way in this pitch-black hall…" – said Golbez as he floated into a wall for the 3rd time now.

"4th time's the charm…" – he moved forward and bumped into something…

X

"Hey, watch where you're goin'! I nearly spilled my beer!"

IV

"Sorry, it's hard to see in this suit or armor… I am Golbez. The wizard, clad in black."

X

"And I'm the mutha-fuckin' Jecht!"

IV

"I was looking for the place where evil gathers… But evil is too dark to have a brightly lighted pathway, I suppose. Somewhat symbolic to…"

X

"Yeah-yeah… Well, Vader, the bar is that way. And we all know evil gathers near the booze…" – Jecht pointed the way for his fellow evildoer.

Golbez nodded in thanks and started floating in that direction.

"Where are the damn chicks? It's been a bit too long, hasn't it?

VI

"When did it become so dark, I can barely see where I'm stepping… Or my feet at that matter… I don't remember having such a dark room…"

Kefka was hopping around (that's what he did in-game) in the dark .Until he bumped into a certain someone…

VII

"Who the hell are you, clown?" – Sephiroth was not pleased…

VI

"How rude! At least say "psychopathic, mass murdering, schizophrenic clown with zero empathy"

VII

"That's referring to someone else? Someone better than you."

Ahh… what do I care? Sephy started to walk further, ignoring the clown

VI

But the clown decided to answer anyway…

"I am Kefka Palazzo. The best villain to ever grace Final Fantasy…"

VII

"You did NOT just say that." – Sephiroth turned around, glaring at his fellow final boss… - "I am the best villain of FF!"

II

The Emperor was floating by and swinging his scepter, when he nearly bumped into a fellow floating magician..

"Watch where you're floating…"

IV

"Sorry, I didn't think I was floating into someone…"

IX

"You watch where YOU'RE floating!"

III

"Actually, you floated into me…

II

"It was dark and…

III

"Prepare to face despair." – particle beam focusing 3%

IV

"I didn't think so many were able to just float with magic power…"

IX

"I can also glide… Oh and I also have these magic balls…"

VIII

"With that thong you're wearing. It's in plain sight." - _Has he no fashion taste whatsoever?_

IX

"I meant these magical orbs, you hag…Oh and nice horns!" – _Has she no fashion sense whatsoever?_

VIvsVII

"I'm the best villain. I am Sephiroth. I'm the One-winged Angel!"

"One-winged? You can't fly with one wing! I have 6 wings!"

"Why you? I have 7 in Safer Sephiroth form!"

"So it takes 7 wings to hold an oaf like that in the air?"

"Does it take only 6 o support that ego?"

IIvsIII

Particle beam focused 36%

"Any last words, floater boy."

"Emperor Mateus Palamecia!"

"Pretty shabby for someone's last words!"

X

"Ah hell it is dark here, I can't see any of the ladies…"

He saw a familiar figure, armor, horns… It's Golbez again…

"Golbez I thought you went through here already. What's wrong? Can't see at all through that small crack in the helm? I said the bar is…"

"Who are you?"

"Jecht! You sure got a short memory, Golbez…"

"I am Exdeath."

"Wha…? I'd recognize that helmet anywhere… You're the wizard, clad in black, right?"

"I'm the warlock tree…"

"Tree? I think I need to lay of the booze…"

VIIIvsIX

"So, when did you start dressing as a girl, little boy?"

"When did you start dressing like you desperately need to get laid?

VIvsVII

"My attacks are so mercilessly beautiful… Light of Judgment, Forsaken…"

"My Supernova takes out the whole solar system…"

IIvsIII

"Now, listen, I was merely floating and minding my own business. I didn't think I'd bump into someone other than me… who also floats…"

"Particle beam 80%"

VIvsVII

"And I have Heartless Angel!"

"I also have Heartless Angel…"

The villains try to stare each other down….

"I destroyed and ruled the half-destroyed world!"

"I killed one flower girl from the slums!"

"That's not much to brag about..."

"And made fans all over the world cry!"

X

Jecht got to the bar, where he saw the familiar armored figure…

"Hey, Golbez. Get this, I mixed you up with a guy. His helmet is totally like yours. And he's a frigin' TREE! Man, of all the things… a tree. Whoo…"

"That's all very interesting, but I'm not Golbez."

"What the fuck. Armor, horns, cape…"

"Yes, but I'm Garland…"

"You're not a tree too, now are you?"

"No. I'm a knight… With a time-loop!"

VIIIvsIX

"Fag!"

"Slut!"

IIvsIII

Particle beam 103%

"Wow… Nice snake minions you have there. I also summon demons to do my biddings…"

"Oh really?" – Cloud of Darkness' snakes started to jump around a bit, being praised for once.

"Yeah really. And I didn't mean to bump into you…"

"Fine. I suppose you didn't do it on purpose…"

"So can you stop focusing that beam on me?"

"No. Once it's focused - I fire it. It's a principle of beings who wish to reduce worlds to nothingness."

X

"Hey, Golbez. Of all the dumb things. I mistook you with a tree, and then some kind of time-loopy knight. So how are the drinks?"

"Nice… But why are you calling me Golbez? My name is Gabranth."

"Not Again…

VIvsVII

"My theme, Dancing Mad is teh coolest evar!"

"Oh no you didn't… Cue the choir. Let's go with the remix this time…"

_Noli manere, manere in memoria _

_Noli manere, manere in memoria _

_Sephiroth, Sephiroth_

00

"Thousand bloody devils!" – Chaos jumped merely hearing that music again.

I can't have them going out and slaughtering each other before the battles even begin…

Chaos appeared near VI and VII and started trying to calm them down…

IIvsIII

Particle beam 113%

"Well that makes sense, I too believe in high standards… 2 part battles, speeches and UBOARs in the end. But could you at least fire that particle beam not at me?"

"Where then?" – CoD cracked a brow at the Emperor.

"Well, I don't know. At someone else, who has it coming…"

X

_Screw capes, screw armor, screw horns on helmets. I'm gonna go find the chicks._

"Whoa, finally found ya, hey ladies. Jecht here. What's wrong, having a fight…"

VIII

"Ha-ha-ha! He just confused you with a girl…"

IX

"Screw you!"

IX, X

"Confused who with a girl?" – he didn't get to see Kuja upfront.

But Kuja turned around lookin pissed.

IV

"No Jecht, It's a trap!"

X

"Ah come on, look at that thong, it's got to be a girl… Oh damn – make me unsee it!"

IV

"Jecht look to the left!"

VII, X

"Oh damn" – Jecht's eyes were immediately attracted to Ultimecia's absolute cleavage…

She was definitely pleased by attracted attention

"So babe, want to see the famous Jecht Shot… I mean, there has to be a reason why dress like this…"

IX

"Carefull, you might catch some magically transmitted diseases… You don't know where she's been…"

VIII

"Shut up!"

X

"Jecht don't care…"

00, VI, VII

_Saevam iram, iram et dolorem _

_Saevam iram, iram et dolorem _

_Sephiroth, Sephiroth _

_Ferum terribile, terribile fatum_

"So little clown. Prepare to face annihilation. Be proud that such music is played on your last minutes…" – Sephy was drawing Masamune

"Cease at once. You're have not been summoned here to fight each other…"

"This looks like fun!" – Kefka started casting some spell too…

The Mad Clown and One-Winged Angel were ready to clash, But Chaos stood between, holding them back. One arm for Kefka, and 2 for Sephy.

"And don't even think of chopping of my arms!"

"Listen, Devil, you know that when the music is on, I don't stop." – Said Sephy using his sword's length to try and poke it into Kefka, who was humorously dodging.

"And what will it take to…"

But Chaos didn't finish his question, as all three of them were hit with Particle Beam.

II&III

"Nice choice." - said the Emperor.

"They had it coming. Besides, "Saigo no shitou" is better that that ominous Latin chanting…"

V

"I'm glad I didn't get involved."

17


	6. Chaotic Confusion II

Written on 2, 3 and 11.10.09. REVIEW IT! Or Garland will knock you DOWN! This chapter is shorter, cause I'm short on ideas right now. Next chapter will be heroes!

Chaotic Confusion II: Silver hair and more bickering.

00

The dust cloud from the explosion was slowly dissipating, revealing quite the wreck site. Kefka was out cold, Sephiroth broke into Kadaj, Loz and Yazoo (that's what he does after taking too much damage), while Chaos was pissed off to no extent. The God of Discord attempted to block the particle beam, but it was too unexpected… Let's just say he now had 2 arms…

"This is preposterous! Why do you villains fight one another? I can't take it. You are wild animals, mad warriors!"

II, III, IV, V, VIII, IX

"We're predominately magic users."

00

"I don't care! I'll see you when there's a battle coming along. Until then you shall not see me!" with that Chaos disappeared from the lounge.

VIII and X

"Looks like somebody's in a bad mood… But I couldn't care less. So what's the name, horny chick."

"The name is Ultimecia and if you say one more things about the horns I'll Apocalypse you."

"I wasn't talking about the horns. I mean, there has to be reason why dress like this."

VII: AC

"WTF?" said Yazoo

"Shit" exclaimed Kadaj

"Where's mother?" cried Loz

IX

"That bitch has no taste in men either!" said Kuja referring to his new found nemesis Ultimecia

"Unlike you…" added the Emperor while floating by

"Yes, unlike me… Wait what?"

VI

Kefka suddenly regained consciousness!

"Oh, you son of a submariner! But OK, I admit that song has a bang to it… I'll take a nap now to restore my godhood…" thought Kefka as he lost consciousness again, hitting the floor with his head.

IV and V

"You surprisingly do look a lot like me. Only color swapped. And less floaty. And a tree."

"Knock it off already, I have more achievements than just being a tree!"

"Oh really? What might that be…"

"I killed a named playable character for the very first time…"

"Really now?!"

"Yeah that guy named Galuf."

"You don't say. Then why didn't you make it into any remakes?"

"…"

"Discrimination against trees, I guess…"

II and III

"So that horned one disappeared, huh? I guess he doesn't know what he's messing with." Said CoD yawning.

"He did seem all about appearing powerful but in-truth he seemed pretty simple… I mean look at me."

"What about you?" the Cloud of Darkness raised a brow to the Emperor's words.

"I dress simply and with style. My clothes are neither overly flamboyant like a clown, nor overly brawny like that Jecht thing… I am deadly elegance incarnate. I am Emperor of both Heaven and Hell…" he theatrically reached for the sky.

"Really now? Maybe another particle beam to your smug mug?"

No one would want that, so he decided to play it off, "Now, that's not what I meant. I am the most elegant representation of evil, while you're the best representation of oblivion and world destruction…"

"Is that so?"

"Yes"

I

Garland just stood there scratching his helmet.

_So if Chaos left, does that make me the only Chaos? Ho-ho-ho. That maybe better…_

IV and V

"So yeah. I guess it is discrimination or something… And why do I look like you so much?"

"Well, I'm a pretty spoony villain myself. I could say I'm also similar to many."

"But you have a sequel right?"

"It's for mobile phones, so nearly nobody heard of it…"

"Still, must be nice."

"Kilts aren't nice."

VII: AC

"Fuck, how do I get back?" asked Kadaj?

"I don't know!" cried Loz

"I don't care!" replied Yazoo

II, IX

"Hey you, blonde guy!" said Kuja.

"Are you referring to me?"

"Who else here has blonde hair?"

"At least I'm not silver haired like oh so many people…"

"I heard that. They're totally stealing my style. And what is it with silver hair on everybody?"

VII:AC

"Cause silver hair is awesome!" said the Silver-Haired Men in unison

III

"It shows, that you're out of age and time!"

VIII

"It's sexy!"

VII: DC

Weiss: I'm technically not here, but I testify, that silver hair is cool!

IV

"Under this helmet, I am also silver-haired…"

???

Somewhere in the hero lounge, WoL, Firion, Cecil, Onion Knight's Luneth side all simultaneously blink.

IX

"At least mine is a slight lavender tint…"

VIII and X

_OK, time to show off my Jechtness!_

"So, I'm like the star of the Zanarkand Abes!"

"I'm a witch from the future…"

"Oh, OK. I did some time-travel too. And then I got all SINful. Became this big… um… whale thing…"

"I junction to Griever occasionally."

"Sounds awesome. And I have this Final Aeon form. It's pretty cool and spiky…"

"My final form is pretty twisted…"

"Ah… damn you don't really go for the usual stuff huh? So what do you like?"

"Parades, fancy hairdressers, magic…"

"Not my expertise... I guess it's time for my secret weapon…" smirked Jecht.

VII: AC

"I've got it!" Kadaj went over to the bar, "Give me some Jenova cells, would you not?"

VIII and X

"So you want to see me do the Jecht shot?"

"Do you want to see me compress time?"

_I need the next secret weapon,_ "I'll buy you a drink."

IX

"So anyway… I'm more stylish than you, Empyror…"

"What did you say? Take a good look in the mirror and say that again, thong-boy."

"Oh look at mister horn head? Steal that design from time-slut over there."

"At least I don't have a tail."

"My tail is nothing compared to your face in Hell Emperor form…"

VIII and X

"Here, have another one."

"Thanks… And then I… compressed time… and the SeeDs said their plan was to grow flowers…"

"Cool! Now have another one and tell some more about time compression." _Getting drunk always works, there are no unpretty girls, there's only not enough alcohol._

I

_Now that I'm the only Chaos left… I'm…_

"I'm now officially the best villain!"

II-IX

"What?"

VII:AC

"Wait a second. I'm not done drinking my Jenova cells and vodka mix…"

IX

"Listen, knight-guy. I'm the best villain… I'm so villainous, I destroyed a world…"

VIII

"I… compressed time… oh get me another one, Jecht."

VI

"I already proved this a few moments ago, I'll go back to sleep now."

V

"Um… The Void? And I killed Galuf, remember?"

IV

"Um, I have a really cool fighting style here…"

III

"Particle Beam, focused 3 percent!

II

"I was reborn as the Emperor of Heaven after my death!"

I

"I will knock you all down" Garland got his sword ready, but a sudden flash near the interrupted him.

VII

"OK… I'm back. Are you ready to hear it again? Which remix do you prefer to die for?"

7


End file.
